the smoking vegans

Recently my grandfather had a stroke that landed him in the hospital. Then he had another one while in rehab. I'll spare you the details, but it's pretty shitty.

I know this type of thing is supposed to "bring the family together." Or at least, that's what people tell me. Most of my father's side of the family is up for the holidays, and the other day my dad's sister arrived. I should state this woman is outrageously gaudy. I'm not sure why I was surprised when she walked into the hospital room with a full length fur coat. I say "fur coat" both because I'm pretty sure she doesn't do the "faux" thing, and because I'm not sure what sort of animal it was actually made out of. She probably thinks mink, but really, who knows?

So the fur coat thing kind of got me going, but I tried not to say anything, as all my relatives were right there and I didn't want to cause a scene in my grandad's hospital room. But then she tried to hug me. With the coat on, you ask? Oh, yes. With the coat on. And G-d help me, as she hugged me all I could think about was how much I wanted to shove an electrified wand up her ass while she bit on a conductor. Just so she could get the a real feel for her jacket. Or, you know, just scream at her.

Is this wrong? Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with her? She then proceeded to make some cracks about my diet that would have been cute were I seven months into it, not seven years. Oh, for the patience not to slug her tomorrow. And the day after that.