the smoking vegans

Thursday, December 29, 2005


Valentine's Day comes early

A little love note I received in conversation today with a certain Vegan Freak:

"...Because I'll take it out on you when I ram my purple-helmeted Latin love warrior into your chocolate rosebud."

Totally Hallmark Material. Totally. Anyone good with Flash? That could make a awfully steamy e-card.


Yeah, well Small Dog can lick me

In addition to being a smoking vegan, I'm also an Apple user. If you're one too, you've doubtless heard of Small Dog Electronics, one of the fastest growing third party sellers of Apple-related crap. The actual Small Dog (not the 800 number, not the website) is about 5 minutes from our apartment, and has been there for awhile now. I started going there a couple of summers ago to window shop, and occasionally buy stuff. My 3G iPod, RAM upgrades, second HD, a 4G iPod, adapters of all sorts, etc.

Somewhere along the line, their ego inflated. A lot. So much so, they treat average customers like total shit. Even customers that have spent an ass-ton of their hard-earned cash there. Which, I guess if you're Small Dog, is how you say "Thanks for helping a Small Business get to the point where we don't value you anymore." The last few times I've been in there, the customer service has been worse than terrible. Hell, the average Apple Store now has better service than Small Dog. And have you ever been in an Apple Store? It's like fucking "Night of the Living Dead" meets the Heaven's Gate cult, but with pretty computers.

SD's tech support folks used to be the best. Now they've been replaced by zitty twenty-year-olds who can't get laid and still live in their mom's basement. Fuck, they couldn't get laid even if they had a brand-new Nano hanging out of their fly, which is about the size of what's down there anyway, I imagine. And you know what? It shows. Their are mean little bastards whose sole mission is no longer to help, but to bilk you out of as much money as possible. If you are actually there for tech support because of an error on their part, they delay and huff as much as they can in an effort to make you give up on getting help. It's rather astonishing.

Or, if you just want to buy something, you end up waiting nearly half an hour. But not in line. Just in front of the register. There's no line. Because everyone in front of you left twenty minutes earlier, when they realized no one was coming to help, even though plenty of staffers walked buy. Now this isn't a giant place. It's probably smaller than most Dunkin' Donuts. It's not as though employees must make a long, arduous journey across a warehouse and over a minefield to make it to the register. They are just lazy assholes who don't give a shit about shop customers, since most of their sales come from online and the phone. Suddenly the people who helped them get where they are today aren't worth an Apple ][ with Reader Rabbit in the floppy drive.

The bottom line now is, they just don't give a shit. After a while, I gave up on SD. There's a guy right in town who does great Apple repair work, and sells used and refurbished models for unbeatable prices. But one day recently I wanted to pick up an Airport card, and maybe a replacement battery for my Mercury TiBook, and lo and behold, my friend in town was closed. He sells the card for about $100, and the battery he would probably just strip out from an old machine. You know, because he's nice. I had only one option at this point, and that was SD. Given my history of unpleasantness, I figured it might be best to call first. After getting an actual person on the line, I found that SD--less than 10 miles away from Darrad, the place I go for Mac stuff now--was carrying the Airport cards for $169, and batteries for $125. Would they match the price of the place 6 miles away on the same road? No. Does that seem, well, kinda stupid? Oh well.

Fuck Small Dog. What a bunch of fucks.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


Tobacco saves lives?

While I'm staunchly against GMOs, I'd be remiss not to post a link to this.


Greyhound: "Leave the sadistic, unforgiving sodomy to us"

I don't normal travel via Greyhound. I've done it in the past, though, and it's not been half bad. So when I bought my bus ticket a couple of days ago to go visit jsteak & family, I figured all would be well. Granted, it was a 13 hour-ish bus ride, which would suck, but all in all, it would be better than driving, as we could just share one car on the trip back.

What I endured, however, was not a pleasant, half way pleasant, or average bus trip. It was a fucking nightmare. It was almost like Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, for old Twighlight Zone fans. Traveling from Montpelier to Ithaca would normally take about six or six-and-a-half hours. Greyhound typically takes double the time of a normal trip. In this case, I went from Vermont to Massachusetts, to Connecticut, to NYC, to New Jersey, to Ithaca.

As if this weren't bad enough, throughout the day people tried to hustle me, I somehow got stuck next to really oversized passengers, landed the one seat that had six inches less legroom than all the others, had no food, got nasuea trying to read, had one driver playing loud gospel music, was given totally different directions to my terminal at the NYC station which nearly resulted in a missed bus, and finally I suffered a nervous breakdown. Okay, well not quite. But the rest of it is true. The worst of it was definitely NYC.

I should say that I hate New York City. In this one rare instance, I don't actually mean to offend. But I do. I fucking hate it. While I would issue a warning for all people I like to evacuate first, I would almost certainly nuke it if given the opportunity. Witholding my whole NYC rant for later, suffice it to trying to navigate the bus terminal is a bit like trying to navigate a carnival House of Mirrors maze the size of Rush Limbaugh's ass, and equally traumatizing. There are few to no signs, just a long line of terminal numbers, on three floors, ranging into the hundreds. Normally, that would be okay, if there were terminal and departure monitors. There were maybe four for the whole place, and not very accessible. Those normally help, because they tell you what gate to go to (your ticket doesn't), but instead, they tell you what time the bus is leaving (which your ticket does tell you). After running between information terminals, where the folks were kind enough to give me totally opposite advice, I ran up to people in lines like a lunatic, frantically asking where they were going. I finally got the bus.

But let's elaborate on the information terminals. Here's one such conversation.

Me: Where does the bus to Binghamton/Ithaca leave from?
Lady: Terminal 61.
Me: Okay, thanks.

(I go check terminal 61, see no times listed, and then go back)

Me: So, when does that bus leave?
Lady: 6:30.
Me: My ticket says 4:30.
Lady: Oh, that bus is at a different terminal.
Me: Excuse me?
Lady: Third floor. (I'm on the ground floor where the FIRST information guy on the SECOND floor told me to go)

(At this point in the conversation, I realize why they are surrounded by protective glass, as I have an urgent desire to strangle her)

What the fuck is it with rude, asshole, fuckwit, retarded, aggressive, shit-throwing monkey bunch of New Yorkers to whom even DOING THEIR FUCKING JOB is an inconvenience? That whole city needs to take some Xanax and get slapped around a little with a big ol' cock. You know, and then nuked.

Seriously, what a bunch of assholes. Anyway, I'll try to save the NYC thing for another entry, I promise.

[For once I am to angry too finish an entry in a coherent way. My brain just exploded. It makes it very difficult to see the monitor. I'll try again later. Sorry.]

Saturday, December 24, 2005


Lest there be any doubt, I am, in fact, the Grinch--albeit somewhat more Jewish

This just in, after a conversation with Jsteak who is having a happy Christmas with her family. Lord, am I a sad, bitter bastard. I love how the holidays bring out the best in us.


This holiday season, stay warm with anal electrocution

Recently my grandfather had a stroke that landed him in the hospital. Then he had another one while in rehab. I'll spare you the details, but it's pretty shitty.

I know this type of thing is supposed to "bring the family together." Or at least, that's what people tell me. Most of my father's side of the family is up for the holidays, and the other day my dad's sister arrived. I should state this woman is outrageously gaudy. I'm not sure why I was surprised when she walked into the hospital room with a full length fur coat. I say "fur coat" both because I'm pretty sure she doesn't do the "faux" thing, and because I'm not sure what sort of animal it was actually made out of. She probably thinks mink, but really, who knows?

So the fur coat thing kind of got me going, but I tried not to say anything, as all my relatives were right there and I didn't want to cause a scene in my grandad's hospital room. But then she tried to hug me. With the coat on, you ask? Oh, yes. With the coat on. And G-d help me, as she hugged me all I could think about was how much I wanted to shove an electrified wand up her ass while she bit on a conductor. Just so she could get the a real feel for her jacket. Or, you know, just scream at her.

Is this wrong? Honestly, what the fuck is wrong with her? She then proceeded to make some cracks about my diet that would have been cute were I seven months into it, not seven years. Oh, for the patience not to slug her tomorrow. And the day after that.

Sunday, December 18, 2005


Need to feel good about yourself? Try jerking off.

I had an interesting conversation with jsteak a few nights back, and never had a chance to report. Thankfully, I'm around the internet for a few moments, so you get a brand spanking new post. Apparently, she explained, we’re not vegan. This according to some forum user over at Vegan Freak HQ. At first I was incensed, but after we talked some more about it, I think I understand. They’re right. We’re not vegan.

Except I don’t understand, and they’re not right. The argument was that as cigarettes are tested on animals, smoking cigarettes makes one not vegan. First of all, not all cigarettes are tested on animals. Frankly, I think this is besides the point. But let’s say that using products tested on animals makes someone not vegan. If we take this as true, then there are no vegans. None. Not any. Zilch. Because almost everything is tested on animals. Pharmaceuticals, detergents, even vegetable cooking oils are all animal tested.

And here’s the thing about people who make worn-out, banal, asinine comments to the effect of “smoking isn’t vegan”: these people are not only assholes, but really pompous assholes. Allow me to expound. In the act of not smoking, you accomplish nothing beyond affecting your personal health. Do I feel better that I smoke a brand of cigarettes not tested on animals? Sometimes. But I don’t delude myself by thinking it’s actually saving any. In fact, the same can be said about veganism as a whole. There are more vegans than ever today. There are also more animals being slaughtered than ever. Clearly, being vegan isn’t enough. It needs to be combined with public outreach, direct action, and anti-capitalism. For some people though, moral pompousness is enough. For self-congratulatory fuckwits like you fine folks, being vegan, not smoking, and everything else they do, has but one purpose: to make you feel good about yourself as a substitute for actually challenging any real structures of oppression. In fact, everything you do is geared towards this. Not smoking does absolutely nothing to make the world better. For you, it’s just a superiority trip. Don’t kid yourself. You’re not the next Rosa Parks, you’re just some smug sod who needs to get their feel-good fix.

Next time, try jerking off instead.

Incidentally, I’m done being apologetic about smoking. Do you have a problem with my smoking? Why don’t you go play hide-and-go-fuck-yourself. I’m not budging on this any more. It’s ridiculous. On the list of social injustices, if you rank smoking on it at all, let alone in a high-up place, that’s because you are either a total moron or a loser virgin.


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smokes [ Winstons | Eclipse | Hookah Shisha | | NORML ]
folks [ veganfreaks | Sue Coe | Post Punk Kitchen | stimpson ]
orgs [ The Vegan Society | Farm Sanctuary | ALF | No Compromise ]

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